What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:53
Comes on , in middle age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Nemo cumque quis qui velit unde nihil.
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot live in the past .
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
All the time i was locked up.
How do I rat my boss out for serial cheating on his wife?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My family never makes their pension either.
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was seconnd youngest,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
But, we were locked up after school.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
Put me off passion for life!!
So, i spoilt her more .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is soul school!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He resisted the act ,that day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She married twice! .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was 9 years of age.
It was going to be , some day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.